


Staying the Course

by 4vrAFangirl



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 19:42:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8026531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4vrAFangirl/pseuds/4vrAFangirl
Summary: Cullen pens a letter to his sister Mia in an attempt to work through his feelings and doubts, after the newly promoted Enchanter Surana leaves the Circle with Duncan to join the Grey Wardens in Ostagar.





	Staying the Course

**Author's Note:**

> Want a peek behind the scenes of writing these stories? Got a prompt or idea for a fic you'd like to see? I write for all manner of fandoms and ships! Drop me a note on my Tumblr: [4vrafangirl](http://www.4vrafangirl.tumblr.com)

~~I fled.~~

Sorry Mia, I don't suppose that's any way to begin a letter, is it? I'm pretty sure I can already feel your disappointed glare from here. Let me try again.

Hello Sister, how are you? Well, I hope, despite all these whispers and rumors of Darkspawn and Blights that are swirling about. I think of you, and the rest of the family often. I miss our chess games. I'm doing well, despite the abrupt and perhaps rather alarming opening to my correspondence. Or my fellow Templars and the Chantry are treating me well enough at least.

You will no doubt- _no doubt_ \- sharp as you have always been, have noticed even in my too infrequent letters my mentioning one particular individual more than the rest, and her rather unusual name. As a Templar it is my duty to watch over these mages, my charges, to protect them from the dangers of magic, from themselves, and if necessary- to protect others from them. I understand the necessity and have long ago resolved to do as my superiors and Marker order, but I confess when I was asked to attend this Harrowing, to strike the killing blow if the need arose I derived little pleasure from what should have been an honor.

I was afraid.

Of course, any good Templar would argue that a certain level of fear so long as it does not stop one from doing what is necessary is entirely natural, healthy even, but I did not fear an abomination, so much as the thought of what ending her life might do to me. I like to think I would have done it. For myself. For the mages and Templars, for you and Rosalie, Branson, Mother and Father, and others like you as I have sworn to. But I must confess that I am more relieved than I could ever possibly hope to express that such a task did not fall to me.

She passed. Not only that but faster and smoother than any other Harrowing I have ever witnessed. It was a sight to behold. She has the makings of being a great and powerful Master one day. I was- _perhaps still am_ \- a little in awe. But then you probably already suspected as much from the way I have gone on about her in my previous letters.

The thing is... Well, she doesn't treat me like the other apprentices and enchanters, or even some of the old masters do. Never has. She's lived here at the tower since she was only a handful of years old, surrounded by peers and elders who all seem to regard the presence of Templars as at best an annoyance, and at worst their oppressors. She would have every reason, perhaps even some right, to hate all of us on principle. There are some of course with whom she is not fast friends, it is true, but I have only ever seen and known her to be patient, thoughtful, and kind. I have not been here nearly so long as some of the others, nor have we had much reason or occasion to interact with any regularity, but she knows my name and always greets me with a smile and pleasantries like we are the oldest and best of friends. Some of my fellows have suggested it's a trick, an attempt to get my guard down, but I cannot believe that- not of her.

They warned us, in training, against forming any such... attachments. It is difficult to do what may be required if one is too fond of the lives they might have to help end. But I could not help it. If she were not a Mage. If I were not a Templar... But then we would likely never have met.

She propositioned me, Mia. _Maker's breath_ , at least I _think_ that is what she meant to suggest. She found me after her Harrowing and offered to go somewhere more quiet and private, get to know one another better than we have been afforded before now. I could barely say hello and offer her my congratulations to her without stammering, and there she was offering herself to me. I mean, she's always been kind, but I didn't think she even looked at me that way- nobody else ever has. And I fled.

That's what we're meant to do, isn't it? What we are taught? To flee temptation? She's one of my charges. Even if she did just graduate from her apprenticeship, it would be completely inappropriate for me- for us to- you know. _Ha_ \- I have argued this point with myself so many times before it's become almost mechanical now. It's a wonder for all my stumbling and inner turmoil about it that she didn't catch on sooner. Perhaps she did. Oh Maker, I hope not. But I did the right thing, didn't I? Being a Templar, being able to help and to protect people, it's all I've ever wanted. So why do I feel so... empty?

She's left now. Gone to join the ranks of the Grey Wardens, no less, bound for Ostagar to help make a stand against the next wave of Darkspawn. It's likely I will never see her again. Never be the recipient of another of her sunny smiles, never hear that lilt or the way she makes the words of her native Elvhen sound almost song-like when she forgets and slips back and forth between tongues, the sound of her laugh... It's entirely possible by the battle's end that she might not even... But I cannot bear to think of that.

Would it really have been so bad- so great a sin- foolish to have stayed instead of running away, to have had my curiosity about the warmth and feel of her lips against mine, to know if her hair was as soft between my fingers as it looks, if her smaller shorter frame would fit so well in my arms as I have imagined.. finally sated?

No. I am being a fool. To led by adolescent and bodily urges. I didn't take my vows because I thought this would be an easy path, even if I could never have foreseen her and the temptation she would bring me. I will keep to my vows and present course. It is better that she has left. I will do my best in her absence to let myself learn from the experience and further train and strengthen my resolve and will to that of the Maker's. Forgive me, dear Sister, if my letters have given you any cause to worry. I suppose that I simply had to express myself and my thoughts in some manner or another to better sort through them. I promise that I am in fact contented in this path I have chosen and made for myself, and will one day yet make myself, you, and our family proud. I hope this finds you well, give my love to mother and father and our siblings when next you see or speak to them.

With much affection,  
Your brother Cullen


End file.
